Lots of (Parentheticals)

I’m making good headway on my final draft (hopefully) of my novel Alien Nation.  I had hoped to get it done before my MFA class started on the 8th of September (6 days), though I can’t in good conscience say that is going to happen (suck).  I’ve got a lot more to go (about 200 pages) and I’m finding I can polish about 5-10 pages an hour, which adds up to 20-40 hours of work left before I call this thing readable (which is a lot of time).  Getting 40 hours of book time out of 6 days is not going to happen, I guarantee.  I mean, I’ve got a life, and dogs, and a wife, and friends (through my wife, mostly) and if I don’t pay them any attention, they may hate me, and that would be no funzies.

Also, I am eagerly anticipating the approach of autumn.  Summer was wicked hot here, and I’m ready for some crisp air, crisp leaves, and crisp cider.  I’m slowly shifting my wardrobe to plaids and half-zip sweaters.  I’m wearing shoes instead of sandals.  I’m drinking chai tea.  I’m plotting which apple orchards to visit.  Scarves are becoming more appealing.  It’s a disease, really.

Speaking of scarves, if you’re looking for a handmade scarf (or hat, or vintage necktie!) as a gift, or just to wear, check out my wife’s etsy website, where she sells a bunch of awesome scarves she has hand-knitted.  They are quite lovely.

Gonna Git Edumacated – Hamline MFA

I’ve decided (with the help of my manager/wife) to go back to school to get my MFA in Creative Writing.  I’ve been toying with this idea since the day I graduated from the University of Wisconsin – Eau Claire, but have never taken the initiative to figure out how to do it without quitting my job/losing my house.

This past February, my wife and I were out to dinner (at Cowboy Jacks, which has bomb sweet potato fries) and she said to me (roughly), “John, I know you want to do this [get an MFA], and you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t.  So you should do it now before we start having children.”

And I said, “You are a genius.  I owe you many diamonds and puppies for this.”

Which left me in need of a school that fit my schedule, which basically eliminated 99.2% of all schools on earth.  Fortunately, I found Hamline University in St. Paul, which has an MFA program designed for working adults.  All of the classes are in the evenings or on Saturday mornings.  I talked to a coworker who just finished his MFA there, and he said he really enjoyed it.

So, I put together a submission package, contacted a couple of my dearest professors from back in my UWEC days, and applied to the MFA program at Hamline.  I haven’t received word yet if I’ve been accepted or not, but I’m very hopeful (and a little over-confident) that I’ll get in.  I say over-confident because I’ve enrolled in a class and start on September 8th, and I would not have dropped the money on it if I didn’t think I would get in.

I am really looking forward to pursuing this degree, and all the challenges it will present.  I told my wife early on that I would not be quitting my day job to go to school, and I will not be quitting my day job after I receive my degree in order to go off and teach at a college somewhere.  I enjoy my day job.  It involves working with great people and getting paid far more than a college professor.  Just sayin’.

While I’m guessing this new workload will impair my ability to finish my novel Alien Nation (in final draft mode finally!) I still plan to finish that beast before the year is up.  Which is good, because I’ll be expected to write another novel as my thesis for the MFA, though that won’t be for another 3 years.  That means I’ll have about 7 years of college behind me at that point.

As “Tommy Boy” Tom Callahan said, “Hey.  A lot of guys go to college for 7 years.”

“Yeah.  They’re called writers.”

New Point of View – First Person Vicarious

So I’m sitting here thinking, “what can I do to bring out this particular narrative idea in my novel,” when all of a sudden, I get a light bulb idea, which leads me to rewrite the ending of my story.  I decided to break a cardinal rule of writing, the one that says you should never shift the point of view of your story.  Well I tried it.  And so far, I kinda like it.  The shift only occurs for about ten pages, but it’s something weird and different and I like the heck out of it.  The first person narrator/main character vicariously experiences something that another character is experiencing, and the narrative captures that.  It’s basically a first person narrator briefly hedging his way into some sort of third person omniscience, without ever leaving his own head, of course.  I can break rules, but I can’t destroy them.

I’m hoping this particular risk pays off.  Right now, I’m feeling like I need to do something coolish and new to get this story recognized, and I figure I may as well throw caution to the ether until somebody tells me it sucks.  Or until a consensus of people who have good, objective judgment tells me it sucks.  Breaking the rules of good-sense English is not usually my bag, so this is out there for me, and I kinda dig it.

It reminds me of a birthday card I saw earlier this year which went something like this:

[picture of two guys]
“Where’s the party at?”
“Dude, that’s incorrect grammar.  You shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.”
[open the card]
Where’s the party at, b*tch?”

Now that’s just good English right there.  Can’t fault ‘em for fixing their own lexical aberration, right?

Happy Friday.

Writing Formula – One Scene to Improve Your Novel

Sunday morning was one of those times when things just come together.  Remember how I had come up with a foolproof formula for generating light bulb ideas?  Well, apparently the cosmos aligned again Sunday morning, as I was able to crank out the turning point in my novel, a brief scene that will lead me down a larger toward a much better story.  The elements needed for this opportune moment are as follows:

  • One bowl of generic honey nut cheerios
  • One and a half cups of Dunkin’ Donuts’ original flavor coffee (with sugar and cream)
  • One banana
  • A good amount of natural light from the west-facing windows
  • Laptop
  • Story open on laptop
  • Remembering the review a writer friend gave on how to make the story better

Combine these elements and Bam!(copyright, Emeril) you’ve got  the perfect setup to write a one-and-a-half-page scene that changes the shape of your novel into something better than it was.

Note: The banana can be substituted for an apple, but not an orange, or anything that requires the removal of a peel to access the fruit itself.  That takes up too much time and kills the formula.  Truth.

Writing Formula – Light Bulb Ideas

Monday night, at about 11:15 pm, while waiting for my wife to get home from Eclipse, I had a few light bulb ideas that should fix the biggest remaining problems with my novel, Alien Nation.  The following is the fool-proof formula for generating light bulb ideas:

  • Two glasses of Phillips Union Original Flavor whiskey
  • One Jack’s pepperoni pizza
  • One hour of watching John Mayer videos on YouTube where he does funny stuff
  • Twenty minutes staring at novel and doing nothing with it
  • One more glass of Phillips Union Original Flavor whiskey
  • Forty seconds thinking about how delicious Phillips Union Original Flavor whiskey is
  • Ten more minutes staring at novel while resting head on table because it got kinda heavy
  • Light bulb idea

Now that I’ve got these light bulb ideas, all I have to do is update the manuscript with them and bing bang boom, we got ourselves a done book.

Should only take a month or two.

Novel Revisions

I received a really helpful review of my novel Alien Nationfrom fellow writer Deanna Lepsch this past week.  She gave me some great insights for revisions that will make the novel stronger as a whole, and for that I am very grateful.  The best critiques are the one that give you something off of which to work.  It doesn’t help much when someone says, “You know, I don’t really like your overall style and tone.  Can you change that on all 400 pages?  That’d be great.”

She gave me tips like, “John, you use the words ‘that’ and ‘just’ too much.  ‘Just’ cut ‘that’ crap out.”

and, “John, you need a new beginning and a new ending.”

Okay, that one was more in-depth in person, but you get the idea.  I’m just glad she only thought the beginning and end need to be fixed.  Fixing the middle of a novel sucks a big one, trust me.

Filed under: Alien Nation | 2 Comments

All Work and No Play Makes John a Blogger

The days are currently spent writing feverishly, editing feverishly, deleting feverishly, and hoping that I don’t come down with some legitimate illness with feverish symptoms to prevent me from completing all this work bysome sort of respectable deadline.  I’ve still got some sucky work left on Alien Nation before it’s ready to go, but I’ve been finding the time to do it, and it’s getting done.

I must thank my wife who is not only helping me find the time to write, but who is also berating me when I am not writing (hopefully she will not catch me blogging here when I am supposed to be writing).  I think her goal is to get me to finish this so that it call sell and she can take her self-appointed manager’s cut of the proceeds, which I have ben informed are a scant 75% of all earnings.  How she finagled me to sign that dotted line is beyond me.  Then again, one sad face from her and I’d sign away a limb.

I just finished reading The Hoursby Michael Cunningham, and am hoping that the discussion on Goodreads enlightens me to some of the deeper workings of the novel.  It was beautifully written, a true homage to Mrs. Dalloway and Virginia Woolf’s work in general, but it was also complex, and I think a discussion between readers will unwind some of that complexity for me.

My gut tells me this is a great novel, mostly because I’m still thinking about it.  Not like when I finished reading Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth series and realized I couldn’t remember entire novels of content (What the hell happened in Blood of the Fold or Temple of the Winds?  Bags if I know).  So kudos to Cunningham for writing a book that lodges itself in the mind of the reader and forces them to examine it deeper for a truly satisfying experience.  That’s really what all us writers should be trying to do.

Close Encounters in Pennsylvania

I’m gearing up for my first writing retreat.  Exciting.  The one I’m going to is at Seton Hill University, and it is a retreat for writers of popular fiction.  I would say that I sometimes write popular fiction, though I tend to have more of a literary slant in my work.  The reason this sort of retreat appeals to me is that I would like some of the financial success of a popular fiction writer, without having to write the shallow, plot-heavy stories.  I’m hoping this retreat will help me out a little in that regard.  It’s way out in Pennsylvania, and I’m flying there Thursday.  And I have to get up at 3:30 am to make the flight.  Yuckity yuck yuck.

Also, my former agent works out of Pennsylvania, so maybe I will have a close encounter of the formerly-my-agent kind.  That would be cool.  I never met her in person, and she seemed very nice, though I don’t think were a good match as far as what I was writing and what she was selling.  There will be agents at the retreat, and I’m hoping to work on my pitch to them while I’m there.  My novel Alien Nation would be the most likely candidate with which to practice, so I’ll bring the first chunk of that along with me.

Filed under: Writing | No Comments

Bob Vila War Cry

It’s 5:56 am and I’m awake.  So I’ll let you know what I’m working on currently.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve been polishing up a few short stories to get them submission-ready.  I am planning to put another large chunk of time into editing my novel Alien Nation, and whenever I do that, I like to have a couple of stories that I can submit for publication in the background.  It gives me the feeling that, even though I’m holed up for months on a single project, I still have my short stories out there doing work for me.  The stories I’m working on currently are:

  • “Memorial” – The one I’ve revised a bunch of times that I resubmitted after the last revision.
  • “Reunion” – A story I’ve just finished about a married guy who reunites with his only other long-term relationship, which leads him down a path of personal corruption and self-examination.
  • “Love Story from Scatterbrain’s Journal” – A flash fiction piece about a guy who can’t keep his thoughts in order, but who is positive that he is in love with a woman from his work.

I’ve got a couple other stories that need a lot more work on them, so I may just stick with these 3 for now, and see if they can get me a publication or two while I work on the novel.

In more physically fulfilling news, I think I may be a master plumber.  This past weekend I changed out my bathtub drain, which broke apart inside the piping that connects to the tub.  It took about a total of four hours of twisting, chipping, prying, cutting (with a hacksaw and a dremmel tool) and finally I got that beast out of there and put in a fancy shmancy new one.  When I finally finished, I stood up in my bathroom and raised my fists in the air and shouted “I am Bob Vila!”  Then I had a beer.

Side note because it just came to me: Speaking of drains, I wrote a novel about a girl who I called a “Drain”.  Whenever she touched someone, she drained the life out of them.  It was pretty good, though nothing worth showing the world.  In the filing cabinet it shall stay.

Does No TV Equal No Connection?

I haven’t watched a TV show in 13 days, and the lack of advertising bombardments and white noise and the extra time afforded to me has been wonderful.  I’ve read two books (Fight Club and The Lemur), worked on a short story culled from a section of my novel-in-progress Alien Nation, and overall have felt that my time has been better spent.  If I could pinpoint the one thing that I miss the most about TV, it would be some sort of ethereal connection with the rest of the country.

I haven’t given myself the stipulation that I can’t watch a DVD once in a while, and while I have a couple seasons of The Office on the shelf, I don’t get the same sense of satisfaction watching them on DVD as I do when watching them on TBS or NBC.  When I watch a show on DVD, I feel like a loser, isolated in his house, watching a TV show on DVD (which is what I am at that moment in time; at other times I am awesome).  When I watch The Office on TBS, however, I know I’m watching the same thing as a million other people, and it gives me the sense that I’m not alone in what I’m doing, even though I’m sitting on my couch in an otherwise empty living room.  There’s a feeling of something greater occurring, a collective decision being made by others across the country, hundreds of thousands of us, all tuning in to the same channel at the same time.  Even though we’re wasting our hours by watching TV and being as unproductive as possible, at least we’re doing it together, and that, in some strange way, feels good.  And that’s what I miss most about TV.

That, in turn, got me to thinking that maybe some sort of collective feeling of connectedness could be achieved through writing, or, more accurately, reading.  If hundreds of thousands of people across the country read the same thing at the same time, would they feel a sense of connectedness with the other hundreds of thousands?  Right now, Twitter folk are reading Neil Gaiman’s fascinating novel American Gods.  I’ve read it before, and have other reading plans at this time, so I won’t be participating.  But I’d be interested to hear from people who are participating, to see if they feel a connection with a greater populace of people, even if they never come into contact with those people.

In college, I read plenty of novels at the same time as my other classmates, though I didn’t feel a connection with those classmates until we actually discussed the novel together in class.  My hypothesis, therefore, is that this whole One Book One Twitter thing will not successfully achieve a feeling of unity among its participants unless they utilize Twitter (or some other form of communication, like talking face to face) to discuss their thoughts and experiences of the novel.  There’s plenty to talk about in American Gods, and I hope that those reading it continue to discuss it after they’ve finished reading it.  How many times do we read a book, close the back cover at the end, and never think of it again.  The books I value the most in my collection are the ones that I’ve discussed in depth with other people.  Those discussions have given me a much greater sense of appreciation for the texts themselves, as well as the authors who wrote them.

Turning off the TV has proven quite beneficial to me, but I know that if I don’t make up for that lost connection with other people, I’ll feel the pull of the TV trying to suck me back into hours of wasted semi-entertainment, not so that I can see Jim and Dwight on The Office, but so that I can feel a connection with a hundred thousand other people who laugh every time Jim pops Dwight’s fitness orb with a scissors.  Every fricken’ time.