John Woodington The official site for the author.

Lots of (Parentheticals)Posted by John Woodington on September 2nd, 2010

I’m making good headway on my final draft (hopefully) of my novel Alien Nation.  I had hoped to get it done before my MFA class started on the 8th of September (6 days), though I can’t in good conscience say that is going to happen (suck).  I’ve got a lot more to go (about 200 pages) and I’m finding I can polish about 5-10 pages an hour, which adds up to 20-40 hours of work left before I call this thing readable (which is a lot of time).  Getting 40 hours of book time out of 6 days is not going to happen, I guarantee.  I mean, I’ve got a life, and dogs, and a wife, and friends (through my wife, mostly) and if I don’t pay them any attention, they may hate me, and that would be no funzies.

Also, I am eagerly anticipating the approach of autumn.  Summer was wicked hot here, and I’m ready for some crisp air, crisp leaves, and crisp cider.  I’m slowly shifting my wardrobe to plaids and half-zip sweaters.  I’m wearing shoes instead of sandals.  I’m drinking chai tea.  I’m plotting which apple orchards to visit.  Scarves are becoming more appealing.  It’s a disease, really.

Speaking of scarves, if you’re looking for a handmade scarf (or hat, or vintage necktie!) as a gift, or just to wear, check out my wife’s etsy website, where she sells a bunch of awesome scarves she has hand-knitted.  They are quite lovely.

Gonna Git Edumacated – Hamline MFAPosted by John Woodington on August 23rd, 2010

I’ve decided (with the help of my manager/wife) to go back to school to get my MFA in Creative Writing.  I’ve been toying with this idea since the day I graduated from the University of Wisconsin – Eau Claire, but have never taken the initiative to figure out how to do it without quitting my job/losing my house.

This past February, my wife and I were out to dinner (at Cowboy Jacks, which has bomb sweet potato fries) and she said to me (roughly), “John, I know you want to do this [get an MFA], and you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t.  So you should do it now before we start having children.”

And I said, “You are a genius.  I owe you many diamonds and puppies for this.”

Which left me in need of a school that fit my schedule, which basically eliminated 99.2% of all schools on earth.  Fortunately, I found Hamline University in St. Paul, which has an MFA program designed for working adults.  All of the classes are in the evenings or on Saturday mornings.  I talked to a coworker who just finished his MFA there, and he said he really enjoyed it.

So, I put together a submission package, contacted a couple of my dearest professors from back in my UWEC days, and applied to the MFA program at Hamline.  I haven’t received word yet if I’ve been accepted or not, but I’m very hopeful (and a little over-confident) that I’ll get in.  I say over-confident because I’ve enrolled in a class and start on September 8th, and I would not have dropped the money on it if I didn’t think I would get in.

I am really looking forward to pursuing this degree, and all the challenges it will present.  I told my wife early on that I would not be quitting my day job to go to school, and I will not be quitting my day job after I receive my degree in order to go off and teach at a college somewhere.  I enjoy my day job.  It involves working with great people and getting paid far more than a college professor.  Just sayin’.

While I’m guessing this new workload will impair my ability to finish my novel Alien Nation (in final draft mode finally!) I still plan to finish that beast before the year is up.  Which is good, because I’ll be expected to write another novel as my thesis for the MFA, though that won’t be for another 3 years.  That means I’ll have about 7 years of college behind me at that point.

As “Tommy Boy” Tom Callahan said, “Hey.  A lot of guys go to college for 7 years.”

“Yeah.  They’re called writers.”

New Family Addition (paid for with check)Posted by John Woodington on August 13th, 2010

Thought I should put up a little Friday shout-out to my folks who purchased themselves a new Pug puppy this past weekend.  Here’s a picture of me holding the new family acquisition, whom they have named Brownie:

That is me imitating Brownie’s face, which was somewhat tired-looking at this point.  Here’s hoping his face does not turn into the face of my folks’ other pug dog, which could terrify children (and even wives) with a single glance:

Ahhhh!  Yep, that’s a real dog.

Promise the next post will be about writing, and the progress I’m making on Alien Nation.

I also promise it will be less frightening than the face of near-death-wrapped-in-a-handmade-scarf above.

SlushPile Hell is FunnyPosted by John Woodington on July 30th, 2010

It’s Friday, so I had to find something to laugh at.  And I did.  I discovered the wonder of SlushPile Hell, which is a blog with the funniest, grossest, worstest things found in the query letter slush pile of this particular literary agent.

Funnier still, they held a contest for people to send in fake/humorous title to THE WORST CHILDREN’S BOOK…EVER.  And for your Friday enjoyment, I have re-posted the list below:

Our WINNER was:  @MJsRetweet:  Daddy Has an Itch. Mommy Smells Like Fish: A Child’s Rhyming Guide to STD’s  Congrats to @MJsRetweet!

And here are the rest of the Top 25 WORST CHILDREN’S BOOKS…EVER, in no particular order:

@SmolderingInk:  The Best Things to Drink Are under the Sink

@LynetteCurtis: Toy Story 3: Buzz Gets a Woody

@harleymaywrites:  Is Angelina My Mommy?

@C_Spaghetti:  Where the Wild Thongs Are

@Janet_Reid:  The Smith & Wesson Coloring Book for Kids

@AVgrl:  Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell

@KateHaggard:  Dismemberment Donny Needs A Hand

@SarahEGlenn:  The Secret Pot Garden

@Smolderingink: Princess Poledancer And The Twirly Tassle Gang

@Prettyandi:  Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny: Just The Beginning of a Lifetime of Lies

@Shelltex:  Math Will Make You Ugly

@Juniperjenny:  The Magical World beneath the Tarp on the Pool

@Thericeman: All Alone with the Internet: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

@MJsRetweet: The Fog in the Looking Glass (and Other Ways to Find Out if Grandma’s Still with Us)

@alc417: A Buzzing in the Night: Why Your Wii Control’s Batteries Are Gone

@FrozenGlitter: It’s Not that Grandpa Doesn’t Love You, He Just Loves Drinking More

@jjdebenedictis: You Don’t Need to Think When You’re Pretty

@KarlShoemaker:  Furious George Gets Cut Off on the Freeway

@Tobywneal:  Why Do Grandma’s Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not to Ask Out Loud)

@SarahEGlenn: You’re Not There, God. It’s Me, Christopher Hitchens

@GeneDoucette:  Rachel Has Seven Mommies: A Children’s Guide to the Book of Mormon

@Saraheolson: Things We Can’t Afford because Your Father Left Us

@EliasSerulle:  One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Mercury Poisoning

@LynneKelly:  Frog And Toad Are Friends with Benefits

How hard am I laughing?  So hard that I think I pinched my kidney.  Good weekend.

The King of KongPosted by John Woodington on July 27th, 2010

Just a quick post to say I took some time out of writing (writer slang for slacked off/avoided/procrastinated) to watch an awesome documentary called The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters.  I had been told to watch this movie by a friend, and dangit if he wasn’t right.

The King of Kong details the life of Steve Wiebe, a guy who gets laid off from work and decides to fill his time by attempting to break the world record score at Donkey Kong, a classic arcade game.  The documentary pits him against an awesome antagonist in Billy Mitchell, one of the most self-centered, egotistical men I’ve ever seen living.  Wiebe comes off as a genuinely nice guy who loves his family and eagerly anticipates healthy competition.  Billy Mitchell comes off looking like an eviler version of Darth Vader.  Way eviler. 

I couldn’t stop watching.  Check that.  I had to stop watching every 9+ minutes in order to click to the next installment of it on YouTube.  Annoying, but better than paying $30 some dollars on Amazon for the DVD.  Maybe for Christmas…

That’s my plug to all of you people who need to give me a Christmas gift in 5 months.  Never to early to start looking.

Synopses SuckPosted by John Woodington on July 1st, 2010

Still buzzing from the Seton Hill writers conference.  Still reveling in the glory that is the Query Shark blog, and all the invaluable aid it gives to writers struggling with their query letters.  It also highlights the lack of any similar resource for novel synopses, which is something that was requested from me by one of the agents, and the minute I heard the request, my happiness at being asked for content at all abated.

A synopsis is a 2-10 page description of what happens from the beginning to the end of your novel, and writing this beast sucks.  How to distill 114,000 words down to 700 words is beyond me, but I’ve got to do it, and I’ve got to do it fast so I can get the thing sent out while it is still fresh in the mind of the agent who requested it.  My approach is to write one or two sentences about each chapter as I polish through them, and then edit that bulk of content down into something readable, believable, lovable.  You get the idea.

I found a couple of helpful references for writing synopses (nothing like the Query Shark, though), and though I could list them here, I won’t, since you can just go Google “novel synopsis help” all by yo’self.

Speaking of aquatic animals (Query Shark is close enough)  check out this new whale named after Herman Melville.  Moby-Dick is one of my favorite books of all time, so this make me pretty happy-ish.

The Return from Seton HillPosted by John Woodington on June 28th, 2010

I’ve returned from the Seton Hill writer’s conference, and must say that I’ve had a wonderful time.  Seton Hill is beautiful, the people were wonderful, and the experiences were invaluable.  Basically what happens is you go to this place that looks like Hogwarts castle, write for hours, nerd out with other writers from all across North America, pitch to some really great agents, and then party the night away with everyone and their brother.

Highlights:

1. Receiving humorous daily death threats from Donna Munro, who is one crazy writer and a super nice person.

2. Me telling Jim McCarthy that I toyed with the idea of scaring him by trying to pitch a short story collection to him.

3. Writer Melanie Card telling Jim McCarthy that his pitch schedule included a 30-minute “potty break”, and then never letting her hear the end of it.

4. Me reading my query letter to Janet Reid (aka the Query Shark) and her responding with, “For the Win!”

5. All of the guest speakers telling all of the writers never to self-publish anything ever ever ever, and if you did, never tell anyone, not even your conscious self.

6. Filling this guy (who I call “Therapist”) with too much Scotch and then watching him try judo moves on people:

Which was pretty much awesome.  As you might’ve guessed.

Now all I’ve got to do is send off query letters and some pages to a few people, and then start saving money to go back next year.

Kobe Penetrates the Lane…Posted by John Woodington on June 18th, 2010

Seriously, who doesn’t love Fridays?  I certainly do.  I liken them to the end of a long race, when you can see the balloon-covered archway and the time clock and all the people cheering you on to finish strong, because they’re all watching, and you don’t want to wimp out at the end.  Or something like that.

I started reading The Hours by Michael Cunningham, mostly because I’m a Virginia Woolf fan, loved Mrs. Dalloway both times I read it, and I figured I might as well go right from one Pulitzer-winner (The Road) to another.  So far it’s very well-written, if a little self-indulgent, and I’m enjoying it.  It always interests me when a male writer takes on the challenge of writing from a female perspective, which is something I find very difficult to do.  For Cunningham to take on three female perspectives in the same book–one of them Virginia Woolf herself, no less–is an undertaking that I cannot help but applaud.  For me, the female mind is still 100% impenetrable, and so far I still enjoy it that way.  Keeps things interesting.

Side note ’cause it’s Friday: I used the word “impenetrable” in the line above.  My mother-in-law hates any word or phrase that uses a form of the word “penetrate,” which I find extremely funny.  It’s also sad, because it prevents her from watching football (too much defensive penetration to the quarterback) or basketball (Kobe penetrated the lane all night last night).

Finally, congrats to Kobe and the Lakers on winning the NBA Finals last night.  If I were forced to choose, I’d say Kobe is my second favorite basketball player of all time, and I’m glad to see him win it again.  Well deserved.

Of course, my favorite basketball player of all time is the one and only Tom Gugliotta.  I don’t think anyone can debate that one right there.

Bob Vila War CryPosted by John Woodington on June 15th, 2010

It’s 5:56 am and I’m awake.  So I’ll let you know what I’m working on currently.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve been polishing up a few short stories to get them submission-ready.  I am planning to put another large chunk of time into editing my novel Alien Nation, and whenever I do that, I like to have a couple of stories that I can submit for publication in the background.  It gives me the feeling that, even though I’m holed up for months on a single project, I still have my short stories out there doing work for me.  The stories I’m working on currently are:

• “Memorial” – The one I’ve revised a bunch of times that I resubmitted after the last revision.
• “Reunion” – A story I’ve just finished about a married guy who reunites with his only other long-term relationship, which leads him down a path of personal corruption and self-examination.
• “Love Story from Scatterbrain’s Journal” – A flash fiction piece about a guy who can’t keep his thoughts in order, but who is positive that he is in love with a woman from his work.

I’ve got a couple other stories that need a lot more work on them, so I may just stick with these 3 for now, and see if they can get me a publication or two while I work on the novel.

In more physically fulfilling news, I think I may be a master plumber.  This past weekend I changed out my bathtub drain, which broke apart inside the piping that connects to the tub.  It took about a total of four hours of twisting, chipping, prying, cutting (with a hacksaw and a dremmel tool) and finally I got that beast out of there and put in a fancy shmancy new one.  When I finally finished, I stood up in my bathroom and raised my fists in the air and shouted “I am Bob Vila!”  Then I had a beer.

Side note because it just came to me: Speaking of drains, I wrote a novel about a girl who I called a “Drain”.  Whenever she touched someone, she drained the life out of them.  It was pretty good, though nothing worth showing the world.  In the filing cabinet it shall stay.

Great Poems, Tentacles, and Nixon KindlesPosted by John Woodington on April 1st, 2010

The writing’s going just fine.

Now that that’s out of the way, we can get to the good stuff.  April is National Poetry Month here in the US of A, which means we should think about poetry extra hard this month.  I’ve never been a big fan of poetry.  Some of it is great, while some of it is quite cryptic and confusing.  I think a lot of it is composed by people throwing handfuls of word magnets at their refrigerators and then transcribing the results.  Some poems, however, are truly beautiful.  I really enjoy listening to Li-Young Lee reading his poem “Station”.  And I can never get enough of this little gem by Robert Frost called “Forgive, O Lord…”:

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,
And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me

Is that appropriate for the season of Lent?  I don’t know.

Speaking of borderline-appropriate, check out the sweet cover for the Spring 2010 issue of American Short Fiction:

I would read this book just because of the cover.  Heck, that’s how I got sucked into the dreadful writing of Terry Goodkind as a teenager.  I mean, look at that tentacle-face-hair-monster-maybe-a-woman thing.  It’s wicked cool.  No doubt about it.  Also, American Short Fiction publishes great writing, so the cover is probably only the beginning of the awesomeness here.

And finally, the apotheossis of this exceptional blog post: A Richard Nixon-esque Kindle t-shirt.

Sorry for blowing your mind just there.  My bad.